It couldn't be more peaceful and simple.
Reached home after a lil' walk after work. Proceeded with the housechores.Bathed.Cooked myself a bowl of noodles and blogged along with the sad voice of Weilian.
I know I could make a better choice than whipping a bowl of instant noodles. I could have swore I didn't even feel hungry till I made it.

Look at how I am now.
I guess I could live with it.
A house alone. I wouldnt mind doing the chores. (and I know that my brother didnt even bother to help to wash the cups)I wouldn't mind washing the StinkS.I wouldn't mind ironing the clothes and boiling the water.I wouldn't mind eating alone and whatever I'm eating.And cos' I wouldn't mind to sleep all alone in a house.
Solitude doesn't daunt me.

Since morning I felt quite disturbed.
It might be a news that I OUGHT to be happy but seriously I don't cos' the idea just sucks!

My brother (in UK) is coming back.
And I asked him is it for a while or for good, the answer didn't delight me very much.

It is the latter.
As a matter of fact, I think I feel angry.
Ruling out the factor that my mum yearns for his return, I am really unhappy about his whole decision.
And it is NOT FAIR to me!

Having one younger one whose also an ignorant brat of his fair share of responsibilities in a house, having another back spells woe to me.

The flashbacks of him staying at home just reminded me of one big weasel I scorned!

It isn't fair!
He left just like that. Though I did not personally contributes much but I wondered if you understand how I felt and the kinda strong load on me?
How do you imagined I struggled it by?
How do you think I can grow and change so much within a short year?

Actually his abscence doesn't change me but it sure brings a gradual increase of who I should be.

And the only reason that finally makes him comes back is he couldn't survive (there) anymore.
I am very angry. He doesnt even need to spell it out and I knew this is it!

I did not forget the craps he left me to clear and not the times he asked us to remit money over.
Now that he is coming back because of this, I felt utterly disgusted!

And fuck the hell that there is no suspect that he is gonna be twice the burden this time round.
I don't care about this but I care cos' I know that my parents are the ones that are suffering for him.

8th feb.
My dear brother whom I have been praying for health and safety since he left is coming back on 8th Feb.
I wish that I will be proven wrong. I wish I will see a man whom had grown in hardship in a foreign land, ready for his role in this house and a decent brother that I can be proud of.

Tell me why I feel so dead disappointed and I see no hope in his return.

All I know is that I am here struggling with the world of ugly apes, struggling with my desire to study, struggling with my need to propel harder and stronger, struggling with the boredom of fitting into this ind-uhvidual grown up life, struggling with my inner world that is always so crumpled and grey, struggling to smile brilliantly whenever I have to, struggling with my wish for this family, struggling with me.
And I am all alone, I did it myself.
I don't see why should anyone else get free with what I done!
I mean my brothers. Perhaps it is too the fact that we are bonded by blood, I can't help but not to feel unjust.

Maybe I just wish I couldn have someone else to count on.
Someone close to at heart.
I feel so helpless often and don't blame me for feeling lonely and insecure. I have noone to ease them.
And you gotta understand that not everyone can.
It's not as simple as you come and sit with me and I don't feel lonely.
It is something within and beyond and who knows?

Sigh.
Just got away to refill my water.
My brother whom just returned was lying on the bed reading comics.
If I am strong enough to chase him outta the house, I would!
Free loader!

These days...I thought I couldn't felt worse.
I woke up everyday wishing I'm in another world. I dont have to do what I have to. I am already too sick of what I am doing cos' they carried no meanings for me.
I almost felt that I am living my life for anyone but me and the thing is I couldn't do what I thought I want.
I hope you understand that I am not just saying all these outta self pity cos' I really cannot do the things I want and I already forget what I want to do.

I can't be like my brother,y'know. Say I wanna study this, I wanna go to another country, I wanna do this and that, and I just do without thinking.
Look at the mess, look at the shattered hearts. Do I have the heart to carry on?
I can't be like the other brother too,y'know. Too young, too ignorant, too lazy, too rude, too craps!

So back to work. I knew already that I won't be there for long. I worried at the end of each week for the kinda results I gave. I set my goal that I would like to hit my first $10,000 sales target by year one.
I'm left with less than 6 months and I only hit half of it (barely) during December and it was just sheer luck.
But so what I did it. The returns aren't worth it.
Perhaps the people are but we couldnt survive just for that.

What could I be doing? I asked again and again.
I need a shoulder to lie on, a back to lean on.
And I am still depending on myself.

I am clearly not a very happy person by nature.
Could be the circumstances in life, could be my fate. No I dont quite give a damn about destiny.
I wanna break everything off and yet there are things I couldnt do cos' I shouldnt.

It is just not fair to me,I feel.
I dont wanna live in regret.

Would there be a hand eventually bringing me outta all these soon?
I dont wanna wait too long.

I really dont want to...

(On a side note...Thanks Eve. =) )